Emo Warning!

Emo happens. I basically didn't leave the apartment all day today, which is my own fault and super lame. But I didn't really have anywhere to go, and definetly no one to hang out with. It's becoming apparent how much of a loser I am, recently. That sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I guess I am, but I only have ONE friend. One person who will be there if I need them. One person I can laugh and be stupid and myself with. And, yeah, that kind of sucks.

Self-image checkpoint: (This isn't me trying to get sympathy. This is truly how I see myself)

We don't even have to get into the physical part.

I'm annoying. I'm boring. I'm not intelligent. I don't have any worthwhile or creative ideas in my head. I don't bring anything to a conversation besides noise. I don't have any deep thoughts. I don't have any insights. I have nothing to say that could be considered thought-provoking. I feel like I try to be funny and fail. I feel like people feel sorry for me, and are nice to me on charity. I feel like an outsider and a satellite.


How do you change things like that? How do you change those thoughts? I mean, I hate how I look, but all that takes is diet and excercise. And patience to do all the cosmetic things girls do. But those thoughts? I could be a size zero and still feel the same way, because the outside isn't the inside. And I feel like I'm surrounded by people who have so much more to offer to a conversation than I do. I don't want to be one of those people who as soon as I've left, everyone goes "What the fuck was that?"

It's getting close to winter, which of course means seasonal depression time. I'm so looking forward to that. And with already feeling like this on top of it? ... I just don't know how to deal with all these emotions. I don't know how to get through everything, when I feel like it's all hopeless. I feel worthless and I don't know how to fix it. And I hate that this is going to fall on that one friend's shoulders. It's a lot to carry, and she's got enough to worry about on her own... But I'm not the kind of person that can go on alone and beat the odds and fuck the world. I need support. I need people who love me, and whom I love, surrounding me. And right now, I don't even feel like I have my family.

My family's never been one where we're all there for each other, no matter what. I wish it was, because that would make all of this better...

I don't know. We'll see how this week goes, I guess. For now. I apologize, Lou, for bringing the emo home.